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#33 My string of control

I used to love untangling things when I was younger. My grandma’s strings and yarn, laces and knots, thin necklaces and jewellery that others would throw away in frustration when they couldn’t make the strands straight. It then was my turn to go in and patiently enjoy untangling the mess. As an adult, this is the same way I think of my mind.

Bear with me for a second. What are you a control freak about? Almost everyone I know is a bit controlling over something related to themselves. They want to control the way others perceive their intelligence, their humour, their looks.

What do you hold onto tightly? Is it the fact that others might find out you’re quite scared of something? Have you also felt deep down that you’re just not that likeable, or lovable even? What do buy to seem cooler, what do you not spend money on to seem cooler? What friendships have you held onto just a bit too long because the person is “generally successful and respected”?

I’ve often wondered why I’m so tightly wound up in many ways, but while I try to untangle myself, I always end up with a string that’s a combination of messed up knots and straight stretches.

I hate being wound up, and whenever I recognise a patch of messy issues and insecurities and anxiety-driven-control - I unwind it, with therapy or thinking or writing or reading or just jumping in the deep end and forcing myself into situations where I have to let go of the mess.

But why do I think I can afford creating the mess in the first place? I hold onto my ego and control so tightly, as though I can afford to. I hold onto my perceived dignity as though I won’t lose it all so very soon. None of my current insecurities will matter when the day comes that I can’t walk on my own, or sit up straight, or properly talk and think at all.

If I’m lucky to live long enough, I will lose all of what I consider dignity at some point, so why do I so tightly hold onto it now? Why do I stop myself from feeling, doing, acting? Why do I try to control so much and potentially experience so little?

Time to stop endlessly messing about with strings in my mind.



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